another year added to my age

Last Saturday was my birthday, now I am 44. I did not think I would ever reach that age. In my mind life after 40 has always been a kind of twilight, unreal, maybe even undesired.

I passed that milestone in 2003.

The new pills (Remeron) make me less depressed, but make me nervous (or don't push the nerves away like the Paxil did). The phobia acts up, taking the Chows out for a walk feels as worse as examen anxiety. Frank accompanies me as much as possible at our walks.

Back to my birthday, Franks father was feeling better. His last visit was in november and he was looking so fragile! I was releaved to see him back as healty and strong as you can expect from a 79 year old.

My parents, well that was a total different story. The last years passed in apparent peace. Not due to their learning, but I didn't allow them to get to me. But with phobia acting up, turmoil in my mind, my defence is failing. And that leaves a big mess, called my family.