Last Saturday was my birthday, now I am 44. I did not think I would ever reach that age. In my mind life after 40 has always been a kind of twilight, unreal, maybe even undesired.
I passed that milestone in 2003.
The new pills (Remeron) make me less depressed, but make me nervous (or don't push the nerves away like the Paxil did). The phobia acts up, taking the Chows out for a walk feels as worse as examen anxiety. Frank accompanies me as much as possible at our walks.
Back to my birthday, Franks father was feeling better. His last visit was in november and he was looking so fragile! I was releaved to see him back as healty and strong as you can expect from a 79 year old.
My parents, well that was a total different story. The last years passed in apparent peace. Not due to their learning, but I didn't allow them to get to me. But with phobia acting up, turmoil in my mind, my defence is failing. And that leaves a big mess, called my family.
Xin-Feng's blog in English
Life with Frank and Anita Meulstee, Chimay (a smooth Chow Chow) and Ari (a Pekingese) in Lelystad, the Netherlands.
Walking the dogs, enjoying the garden, reading some books
Showing posts with label agoraphobia. Show all posts
Showing posts with label agoraphobia. Show all posts
Monday, February 5, 2007
Tuesday, January 9, 2007
too many people
On Saturday I had an overdose of people.
Somehow an organised walk went along a part of our daily walking route. Unable to change my routine, we had to share the path for 50 meters or so. Because Gladdich likes people a little too much (he runs towards strangers, even jumps up to get attention), I had put him on leash to prevent these things from happening. But the walking gang almost walked over Gladdich and walked me from the pathway... depressing...
It was even worse than I thought at first, I was walking with Frank and the Chows that afternoon and two boys ahead, next to the path made me panick and change the route.
I must say verything is worse at the moment. In December I started to change my medication, after years of using Seroxat (named Paxil in other parts of the world), it did not do much good anymore. It never worked well against my phobias, but it did keep the depresssion away. But I became more and more inactive, not able to break the journey downhill.
Especially with a pup in the house the inertia became painfully clear.
Slowly stopping with the Seroxat and after that started with Lexapro. Chimay had a clear opinion about the new medication: NO GOOD at all (I really should rely more on my Chow Chows and their opinion!), she did not trust the Lexapro. But I was thinking these are just adjustment problems, just go on a bit longer and it will go away!
So the December month became a psychic rollercoaster, changing moods within the minute, opposite feelings at the same time, no hunger, eating like mad, extremely phobic and getting depressed. Cosulted my psychatrist, try a higher dose, but that was no help either.
After visiting my psychatrist earlier this month, we decided to slowly stop with the Lexapro. The mood changes are getting less frequent, not within the minute but in within 5 minutes now and again lethargic, extreme sensible, phobic and depressed.
Going to try the next medication somewhere at the end of this month.
Somehow an organised walk went along a part of our daily walking route. Unable to change my routine, we had to share the path for 50 meters or so. Because Gladdich likes people a little too much (he runs towards strangers, even jumps up to get attention), I had put him on leash to prevent these things from happening. But the walking gang almost walked over Gladdich and walked me from the pathway... depressing...
It was even worse than I thought at first, I was walking with Frank and the Chows that afternoon and two boys ahead, next to the path made me panick and change the route.
I must say verything is worse at the moment. In December I started to change my medication, after years of using Seroxat (named Paxil in other parts of the world), it did not do much good anymore. It never worked well against my phobias, but it did keep the depresssion away. But I became more and more inactive, not able to break the journey downhill.
Especially with a pup in the house the inertia became painfully clear.
Slowly stopping with the Seroxat and after that started with Lexapro. Chimay had a clear opinion about the new medication: NO GOOD at all (I really should rely more on my Chow Chows and their opinion!), she did not trust the Lexapro. But I was thinking these are just adjustment problems, just go on a bit longer and it will go away!
So the December month became a psychic rollercoaster, changing moods within the minute, opposite feelings at the same time, no hunger, eating like mad, extremely phobic and getting depressed. Cosulted my psychatrist, try a higher dose, but that was no help either.
After visiting my psychatrist earlier this month, we decided to slowly stop with the Lexapro. The mood changes are getting less frequent, not within the minute but in within 5 minutes now and again lethargic, extreme sensible, phobic and depressed.
Going to try the next medication somewhere at the end of this month.
Thursday, January 4, 2007
a rainy, but enjoyable day
I, Chimay aka myself, am feeling better today, finally the heat is over and I am able to take care of my mom again. As long as these hormones rage through my body I am not much of a psychatric service dog...
What's that a PSD you ask?
Good question, but not easy to answer.
It is a long tradition here at home, but my mom never knew there were more dogs in the world doing the same job. She found some others through the internet and realised we do the same.
Well, myself does the same and Gladdich is still learning.
Like the Chows (and others) before myself, we try to warn mom if she gets too stressed, or gets near a panick attack. If she faints, because she was stressed for too long, we sit next to her, watching over her, maybe lick her face until she comes back.
We accompany her when she wants to go out, amongst other mental issues, she has servere agoraphobia and without us she would not leave the house.
But back to today, we had a nice walk this morning, Myself could walk off leash again and Gladdich was happy romping around. He is a nuisance at times (those nasty sharp puppy theeth!), but I think he will grow up to be a helper for mom too.
And in the afternoon we walked with the whole pack, dad included! I love it when he goes with us, he takes care of mom and we can freely sniff and run around.
Now we are back home, I crashed on the couch and Gladdich on the dogbed, two happy Chow Chows.
What's that a PSD you ask?
Good question, but not easy to answer.
It is a long tradition here at home, but my mom never knew there were more dogs in the world doing the same job. She found some others through the internet and realised we do the same.
Well, myself does the same and Gladdich is still learning.
Like the Chows (and others) before myself, we try to warn mom if she gets too stressed, or gets near a panick attack. If she faints, because she was stressed for too long, we sit next to her, watching over her, maybe lick her face until she comes back.
We accompany her when she wants to go out, amongst other mental issues, she has servere agoraphobia and without us she would not leave the house.
But back to today, we had a nice walk this morning, Myself could walk off leash again and Gladdich was happy romping around. He is a nuisance at times (those nasty sharp puppy theeth!), but I think he will grow up to be a helper for mom too.
And in the afternoon we walked with the whole pack, dad included! I love it when he goes with us, he takes care of mom and we can freely sniff and run around.
Now we are back home, I crashed on the couch and Gladdich on the dogbed, two happy Chow Chows.
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